Today, July 16, is a very special day. Yes, it happens to be my 28th birthday (a fact I’m not deluded enough to think anyone reading this cares about, yet I’m mentioning it anyway because I’m an attention-craving Cancer), but it’s also the day that the Twilight franchise hits Netflix. The first film follows Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) as she moves to a small town in the Pacific Northwest and attracts the attention of a mysterious, sparkly, undead vampire (Robert Pattinson); let’s refresh ourselves on their courtship, shall we?
- We open on a shot of simply the greenest forest possible, complete with deer, as Bella ruminates on how she’ll die. Is it...weird that teens were so obsessed with this movie?
- I forgot Bella leaves Phoenix because her mom and her new husband want to travel. Off to Forks, Washington, to move in with her cop dad!
- Oh, he’s not just a cop, he’s the chief of police. Got it.
- I promise I’m not going to subject this movie to the lesbian gaze the entire time, but...man, they styled Kristen Stewart really femme.
- OMG, it’s Jacob and Billy Black! A.k.a. Taylor Lautner with long, flowing hair! Man, speaking of femme.
- Bella gets a cool red truck as a homecoming present, and she’s very excited about it. As the new mother of a used Honda Fit, I get where she’s coming from. Everyone at her new high school is rude about her car, though, because kids are dicks.
- Wow, I forgot the utter hell of gym-class volleyball.
- Hey, it’s Anna Kendrick as a cheerful busybody! She’s so good in this role.
- Bella’s new friends Eric, Mike, and Jessica eat lunch with her, and Eric threatens to do a feature on her for the school paper, which...small town, I guess. Anyway, he scraps it.
- Oh, hell yeah, it’s the Cullens.
- I know the Cullens are technically a bazillion years old, but they really don’t look like they’re in high school.
- Edward Cullen time! My God, they really laid the ivory foundation on thick for him.
- LMAO, I also forgot that Edward spends most of his time in Bella’s presence looking like he’s going to barf (because her blood smells good to him or something?). Anyway, she’s understandably hurt.
- The wisdom of age really changes one’s impression of this movie. Now I’m just like, “Oh, vampire or not, Edward’s an asshole.”
- According to the “trivia” at the corner of my screen, Lily Collins was considered for the role of Bella Swan. Interesting!
- Edward starts skipping school, presumably to avoid Bella. Or maybe he hates school.
- At one point, Bella leaves her house wearing no coat, but simply the largest pair of mittens I have ever seen.
- Bella’s school friends are extremely annoying, to the point that I can see why she’d ditch them for a cabal of vampires.
- Then again, at least they’re being nice to Bella, who doesn’t seem like much of a charmer.
- We’re back in bio class with Edward, who—it must be said—can really wear the hell out of a gray T-shirt.
- Eye-color-change time for Edward! They change from black to golden-brown at whim, apparently. He blames it on the fluorescent lights, but we know better.
- There’s a minor car accident in the school parking lot involving Bella (although Edward totes rescues her), which gives us a chance to meet Dr. Cullen, the Cullens’ foster dad. The way that he looks is simply so funny that I can’t stop laughing the entire time he’s onscreen, so I don’t really know what else happens.
- Bella’s confused at how Edward rescued her so quickly. It’s super-strength and speed, babe!
- Mike asks Bella to prom, but she tells him to ask Jessica instead. Brutal, as Olivia Rodrigo might say.
- I’m not really a fan of Edward in a peacoat, I’ll say it.
- Bella is addicted to dropping things whenever Edward is around, which is the one relatable part of this movie.
- “If you were smart, you’d stay away from me,” Edward tells Bella, in the words of so many creepy older men before him.
- Bella and her friends go surfing on the reservation Jacob lives on, and we learn that there’s some beef between the Cullens and the Quileutes there (who are supposedly descended from wolves).
- I am dying at the shadowy flashbacks showing the Cullens hunting in old-timey garb.
- Apparently, the Cullens miss school whenever it’s sunny out for “hiking and camping and stuff.” Or can they not be seen in sunlight, because they’ll sparkle? Not to get ahead of myself...
- Bella and her mortal girls are prom-dress shopping, and when she breaks off, a bunch of creepy frat guys surround her. Luckily, Edward zooms up out of nowhere to save her, and the guys back off.
- Okay, now the jig is up, but Edward still won’t explain his powers to Bella.
- A friend of Bella’s dad’s is dead from an “animal attack,” but, uh, it’s probably not that, right?
- Bella starts researching to find out more about the Cullens, and learns a whole lot about the undead around the world. I am truly a sucker for any exposition scene.
- I had to rewind this famous scene twice because I was laughing so hard: Edward finally takes Bella to a field and lets the sunlight hit him. Guess what? He sparkles. “This is the skin of a killer, Bella,” he tells her, sparkling all the while.
- Aw, they lie in a field. Love is real, even though he thirsts for her blood.
- Okay, this is my favorite scene in the entire movie: Edward invites Bella over to his giant-ass forest mansion, and they hang out with his parents and mildly judgmental siblings.
- “Is she even Italian?” asks Rosalie Cullen, in the pissiest voice possible, as everyone cooks Italian food based on the fact that Bella’s name is Bella.
- Oh, so it’s not just Edward who’s horny for the smell of Bella’s blood (ew); they’re all obsessed with the way she smells, even though they've renounced drinking human blood as a family.
- LOL, Edward doesn’t sleep. Ever.
- Edward takes Bella climbing in the trees outside his house, which honestly sounds like a pretty fun date.
- Oh God, I forgot he’s a piano nerd too.
- “What is he? Jock? Indie?” Bella’s mom asks when she tells her she likes a boy. Ah, 2008.
- Oh Christ, Edward watches Bella sleep without her knowledge or consent. I know every feminist ever has railed about how problematic the nature of their relationship is, but damn, it’s really that bad.
- Seriously, what are girls supposed to internalize here? “Be nice and have good-smelling blood so some shiny man will want to kill you”?
- Kristen Stewart’s dazzling array of hoodies in this movie is paining my middle-school heart.
- IT’S THE BASEBALL SCENE, BABY! Iconic! Brilliant!
- Why have I never corralled a group of my friends to be the Cullens in their baseball gear for Halloween?
- Uh-oh, the rival murderer vampires show up to ruin the fun. They smell Bella, who famously smells good, and threaten to trace her scent.
- Rosalie doesn’t want to help throw the bad vampires off the trail, but Dr. Cullen sternly tells her that Bella is “family now.”
- Chase montage! Honestly, can they just play baseball again?
- Every time they talk about the “tracker” I picture a Domino’s Pizza Tracker, which is making me want pizza.
- I forgot Alice is psychic, LOL.
- James (#1 bad vampire) captures Bella, and she wakes up in the hospital with her mom there. She broke her leg and lost a lot of blood, but she’s otherwise okay.
- Prom time! Ah, to go to prom with a vampire while wearing a leg cast.
- Bella and Edward make out at prom like normal little mortals, but there’s still bad-vampire danger on the horizon. On to the next!
